Gaslighting in relationships is a form of psychological manipulation designed to make one partner question their own perception of reality. The person who gaslights seeks to undermine their partner’s confidence, making them doubt their memories, perceptions, and even their sanity. This subtle form of abuse can be difficult to recognize, especially if you’re not familiar with the signs. However, recognizing these red flags is essential to stopping the cycle. Below are 11 unmistakable warning signs that gaslighting could be happening in your relationship.
So, What Exactly Is Gaslighting?
At its core, gaslighting is a method of emotional abuse. It involves manipulation tactics where one partner tries to make the other feel as though their grip on reality is slipping. Dr. Mike McNulty, a prominent therapist and founder of the Chicago Relationship Center, describes it as a deliberate attempt to make a person appear irrational or “crazy” for personal gain.
It’s important to understand the difference between gaslighting and occasional moments where a partner may dismiss your feelings. As Dr. Wag Deva Munier from the Gottman Institute explains, occasional dismissals or disagreements don’t necessarily mean your partner is gaslighting you. Gaslighting is a pattern of behavior, a recurring attempt to distort your perception of reality. 
In abusive situations, gaslighting can be an intentional, malicious act to gain control, as explained by Dr. Munier. Over time, the gaslighter systematically chips away at their partner’s sense of reality, which can severely damage their mental well-being.
Common Gaslighting Tactics You Should Be Aware Of
Gaslighting can take many forms, but here are some of the most common tactics used by perpetrators:
- Denial: A gaslighter will often deny things they’ve said or done, even when confronted with clear evidence. This forces their partner to question their memory and perception of events.
- Minimization: The abuser will downplay their partner’s emotions, suggesting that they are overreacting or being irrational, even when their feelings are valid.
- Reality-Bending: Gaslighters will deny events or behaviors that happened, making the victim doubt their understanding of reality.
- Invalidation: The gaslighter will dismiss their partner’s thoughts, feelings, or opinions, making them feel as though their emotions are unimportant or irrelevant.
The Origins of “Gaslighting”
The term “gaslighting” comes from a 1944 film in which a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her sanity as part of a scheme to gain control of her fortune. Dr. Munier explains that today, gaslighting refers to any situation where someone deliberately causes another to question their perception, understanding, or reality.
Why Gaslighting Is So Destructive in Relationships
Gaslighting is a deeply damaging behavior because it’s about power and control. The gaslighter is not just manipulating the facts, but also the victim’s emotional and psychological state. As Dr. McNulty explains, even a single instance of gaslighting can have a devastating impact on a relationship, breaking down trust and emotional security.
Furthermore, gaslighting often doesn’t happen in isolation. It is frequently coupled with other forms of abuse, including emotional or physical manipulation, financial control, and isolation from loved ones. Gaslighting becomes just one piece of a larger strategy to dominate and control the victim’s life.
Why Do Some Partners Resort to Gaslighting?
In some cases, a partner might engage in gaslighting out of fear of being exposed for something they’ve done, like infidelity or financial deceit. Dr. McNulty suggests that this kind of gaslighting may be a reaction to the fear of their partner discovering the truth and leaving them. However, when gaslighting becomes a persistent behavior, it’s often indicative of deeper issues like narcissism or sociopathy.
Dr. Munier points out that the motivation behind gaslighting is often rooted in a desire for power. Abusive individuals want to make their partner feel weak and unstable, ensuring that they don’t leave. This need for control can become all-consuming, and the gaslighter will do whatever it takes to retain dominance over the relationship.
11 Red Flags of Gaslighting in a Relationship
Gaslighting can be sneaky, but there are certain behaviors that can indicate that it’s happening. Here are 11 signs that your partner may be gaslighting you:
- You constantly question your reality — Even simple things, like where you left your keys or what you agreed to do, become sources of confusion.
- You feel like you’re losing control over your life — Your partner insists that everything be done their way, from household chores to major decisions.
- Your opinions are dismissed or mocked — When you express yourself, your partner belittles your thoughts, often leading to pointless arguments designed to throw you off balance.
- You question your own worth — Constantly belittled or insulted, you start doubting your own value.
- You feel like you’re losing your mind — Your partner enjoys manipulating situations to make you feel foolish or “crazy.”
- You suspect betrayal — Whether it’s hidden financial secrets or an affair, you feel like your partner is hiding something major.
- You feel powerless when it comes to money — Your partner controls the finances and manipulates your behavior by withholding or controlling money.
- Unreasonable excuses are made when confronted — Your partner’s excuses never make sense and don’t hold up to scrutiny.
- You’re isolated from friends and family — They work to make you feel alone, even trying to turn others against you, making you feel crazy and unsupported.
- You’re never given straight answers — When you ask important questions, your partner avoids the truth or deflects.
- You feel constantly surveilled — You’re always forced to explain where you are or who you’re with, making you feel like you’re under constant scrutiny.
Key Questions to Identify Gaslighting in Your Relationship
Dr. Munier advises asking yourself the following questions to get a clearer picture of whether you’re being gaslighted:
- Has my partner consistently tried to manipulate my reality or undermine my sense of self-worth?
- Do I frequently feel foolish, crazy, or powerless in my relationship, as if my thoughts and feelings don’t matter?
- When my partner dismisses or mocks my perception of events, do they also engage in other controlling behaviors like manipulating decisions, isolating me, or controlling my relationships?
- Do I often feel small, unimportant, or unworthy when my partner invalidates my opinions or emotions?
Can Gaslighting Be Overcome in a Relationship?
If gaslighting is not deeply ingrained and is addressed early, couples might be able to repair the relationship through therapy. Dr. McNulty suggests that with transparency, honest communication, and sincere remorse from the gaslighter, couples can rebuild trust and understanding.
However, when gaslighting is part of a broader pattern of abuse, recovery is much harder. Dr. Munier cautions that if gaslighting is linked to personality disorders or chronic abusive behavior, therapy may only provide temporary relief, and the relationship may not be salvageable.
How to Stay Safe if You Suspect You’re Being Gaslighted
If you suspect you’re being gaslighted, it’s important to take action. Gaslighting is part of a wider pattern of emotional abuse, and leaving an abusive relationship can be risky. Experts, including Hubbard, emphasize that creating a safety plan and seeking support are crucial steps if you’re facing emotional manipulation.
