By David A. Tizzard
Everybody has a distinct reply to the query of whether or not girls and boys may be mates. Some will say that it’s unimaginable as a result of male-female friendships are predicated on one of many individuals secretly liking the opposite. Others will counsel that it’s ridiculous to say gender will get in the way in which of friendship. After which there are teams that merely blame males and their untrustworthiness for the entire thing. There’s an entire vary of solutions. Most of that are knowledgeable by our personal experiences, tradition, and worldview.
What I’ve seen is that the overwhelming majority of my European college students will say, “After all women and men may be mates. I’ve many feminine/male mates. It’s pure to be near all types of individuals.” The vast majority of my Korean college students, nonetheless, reply with a pointy consumption of breath. A silence descends. They suppose that female and male friendships should not doable. There’s at all times the specter of romantic curiosity effervescent under the floor. Platonic relationships between individuals of the other gender are merely charades masking the eventual confession to return.
And, to be clear, not all Korean individuals suppose women and men can’t be mates. Nor do all Europeans suppose they will. It’s simply that you’re way more more likely to obtain that reply than the opposite in the event you ask them. Having heard these observations for the previous decade or so when discussing love, gender and trendy dwelling, I nonetheless struggled for a couple of causes as to why this cultural divergence may exist.
Non secular foundations or modernization?
It is perhaps simple to retreat to the spiritual and philosophical foundations of a tradition when looking for solutions. Confucianism (or Neo-Confucianism) locations an emphasis on distinction (“byul”) quite than equality or sameness. Women and men, to coexist, are supposed to undertake completely different roles and positions if they’re to create concord: “bu-bu-you-byul.” In keeping with Confucian ethics, girls and boys have been to be separated from an early age (round six or seven) after which supplied completely different schooling. Whereas that doesn’t occur so formally at present, there’s nonetheless a glut of ladies’s universities right here in Korea and the boys are all despatched off to do two years of obligatory navy service. In trendy gender phrases, organic realities, quite than any post-modern fluid understanding, takes priority.
Perhaps that’s the explanation? The massive C of Neo-Confucianism sustaining its grip over Korean values, concepts and morals. However whereas Korea has actually turn into one of the Confucian international locations on this planet, surpassing even China in its demand for titles, age-based hierarchy, and etiquette, that may’t be the one purpose.
Some within the West may proudly counsel theirs is the tradition of a rugged individualism during which everyone seems to be handled equally no matter their gender or pores and skin colour. But as beautiful as such pronouncements is perhaps, one solely has to return a century or two to discover a society very completely different from at present. George Eiliot’s “Middlemarch,” a wonderfully-detailed exploration of Victorian morals and relationships, detailed the formality required by British societies in addition to the need of chastity, that women and men not meet with no chaperone and so forth. And also you thought it was solely the Koreans who have been prudish?
This may counsel that it isn’t tradition however quite modernization that creates a larger equality and egalitarian between the sexes. Our up to date capitalist world desires everybody to work, everybody to have a bank card, and everybody to pay taxes. In that sense, whether or not you’re a man or a lady, you all observe the identical guidelines of the financial imperatives: individualism, authenticity, and consumerism. The West, largely for causes of colonialism and warfare, went by means of these adjustments sooner than the East. Women and men have been thrust collectively in places of work, school rooms, and subways many years earlier than East Asia.
Relatively than tradition, due to this fact, a rustic’s modernization will decide whether or not girls and boys may be mates. The extra trendy a rustic, no matter the spiritual or philosophical foundations it holds, the extra possible it’s to just accept friendships throughout sexes. This will probably be doable whether or not the nation is socialist, Christian, Confucian, or in any other case. Those that affirm that such friendships should not doable usually tend to maintain conservative or conventional views, seeing intercourse and gender earlier than anything.
Media and illustration
Moreover, I couldn’t assist however marvel about how media and illustration has formed cultural views, significantly right here in Korea. The nation’s dramas are crammed with love, romance and intrigue. Probably the most widespread plot factors is having two mates, feminine and male, undergo college, work, or life collectively solely to slowly come to the conclusion that they love one another. Audiences love watching this friendship flip into one thing romantic. Gasping in any respect the stolen glances, the furtive makes an attempt at bodily contact, after which the massive cash shot: the confession (go-bek).
“Espresso Prince” starring Yun Eun-hye and Gong Yoo usually will get talked about not just for its undercurrents of a LGBT vibes but in addition for its final confession of affection between two characters who have been as soon as mates. “Hometown Cha Cha Cha” sees Shin Min-ah’s eyes sparkle as she pours her coronary heart out to Kim Seon-ho. “Reply 1997” and “Reply 1998” even have memorable confessions which might be talked about by many on-line.
As a result of it’s so profitable, there are far fewer dramas that really keep away from this trope. “Hospital Playlist” stays healthful in its depictions of friendship between the teams. The superb “My Mister” sees the female and male leads assist one another in their very own lives with none actual trace of romance (although the age hole is perhaps doing loads of work right here).
If hyperreality is a factor and we think about our lives to be like these we see performed out on display, no marvel that many right here may suppose their relationship with their male or feminine good friend is barely a second away from descending into chaos following a sudden revelation of suppressed emotions and the necessity for a wrist to be abruptly grabbed, rain to fall, and the OST to kick in dramatically.
No social media
Amidst all of those explorations, there was one thing new I found not too long ago about Korean youth, relationships, and their use of social media. Whereas I’ve lengthy identified that almost all Koreans have a second Insta account and that in an exquisite paradox, their second faux account is the actual one and their predominant actual one is definitely faux in order to assist sustain the phantasm of a superbly lived life, there’s something attention-grabbing about who will get to see the second (actual) account. Many younger girls mentioned that they don’t let their boyfriends find out about their second account or don’t settle for their good friend requests there. Koreans nodded sagely in settlement. European jaws dropped to the ground.
Once more, this isn’t to generalize this habits over all the inhabitants, however the concept even your romantic companion of the other intercourse doesn’t get to see your actual (faux) Insta blows my thoughts. Wasn’t life a lot simpler once we didn’t have telephones or the web? However then once more, younger individuals at present won’t ever know the horrors of phoning your girlfriend’s home and having to talk to their mother and father first.
Perhaps whether or not you suppose girls and boys may be mates is influenced by your faith or tradition. Perhaps it’s decided by how trendy your society is. Maybe its formed by the media and pictures you devour on-line. Or, it may simply be a case of whether or not you’ve had constructive or adverse experiences with the other intercourse in your life so far.
I’ve no downside being mates with anybody, to be trustworthy. After all their identification is of nice curiosity and I really like studying about what it means to be Chinese language, whether or not Muslim girls have a number of hijabs to match their garments, or the way it feels to be a Korean man tasked with finishing navy service. However in the end it comes right down to the individual behind the identification. The soul, the existence, the essence of that person who lies beneath. The curiosity on this exists on a degree past any romantic curiosity or gender. Whether or not that’s thought-about progressive or conservative at present I’m not fairly positive. However I do know that fairly a couple of younger Koreans disagree with my perspective. Whether or not they are going to in 20-30 years stays to be seen.
David A. Tizzard has a doctorate in Korean Research and lectures at Seoul Ladies’s College and Hanyang College. He’s a social-cultural commentator and musician who has lived in Korea for practically 20 years. He’s additionally the host of the “Korea Deconstructed” podcast, which may be discovered on-line. He may be reached at datizzard@swu.ac.kr.
