The solar has simply set over the Palos Verdes hills, and the tennis court docket lights are buzzing to life. I’m having fun with time with my husband, Steve, standing between clear strains on the deep blue courts made bluer by the bogus glow. It feels acquainted and self-contained, the 2 of us alone in our little rectangle-shaped world. I virtually imagine that every thing’s going to be OK, regardless of the telephone name we simply had.
I watch Steve toss the ball excessive over his head in a straight line, putting “the trophy pose” — the one you see on all of the trophies, with one arm reaching for the sky and the opposite holding the racket cocked again. And with the grace of a dancer and the power of a quarterback, he whips his racket over his head to attach with the ball in an ideal serve.
“Identical to that,” he says, smiling. “Did you see how my racket scratched my again?”
I’m slightly breathless watching — and never simply because the temperature has dropped. I want I might serve “similar to that.” However largely, I’m admiring my wonderful husband.
“Yeah, similar to that. You make it sound really easy,” I tease.
The serve, I’ve discovered, is a very powerful shot in tennis as a result of it’s the one one you management. All the things else is only a response. It’s onerous to excellent, and nonetheless new to tennis myself, I’m afraid I’ll by no means get it.
“Keep in mind, if the toss isn’t good, don’t even attempt to hit it,” he says. Which is stable recommendation for courting too, now that I give it some thought. Steve’s and my on-line profiles couldn’t have been extra dissimilar. I used to be recovering from an excruciating divorce, however I signed up on the recommendation of my author mates (“It’s nice character materials!”). My profile was only a picture of my eye and a passage from a novel — one thing about how a pair reads their books: One dog-ears and underlines; the opposite retains their studying materials pristine. Steve posted a simple picture with a whole description of who he was and who he needed to fulfill. Fortunate for me, he’s into literature.
We married 10 years later in the course of the COVID pandemic on Catalina Island. We kayaked to our seashore “venue” with our laptop computer, rings and champagne rolled up in waterproof baggage. We traded life vests and bathing fits for wedding ceremony apparel behind a rock and linked to shaky cell service so household and mates might take part. Then we paddled again, racing to return the kayaks earlier than sunset. That’s what life with Steve is like. There’s no such factor as “can’t.” If I dream it, he will get it accomplished right down to the final element.
From tennis to residence repairs, I’m tempted to name in an knowledgeable, however Steve’s credo is: If one other human can do it, I can too. From the telephone name we’d simply had, I used to be changing into conscious that this distinction between us was about to be examined. Having reverse courting profiles or studying types may be very totally different from conflicting stances on lifesaving medical therapy. Steve’s PSA popped exterior the conventional vary throughout a routine lab check and his urologist really useful an MRI. Steve didn’t look forward to the follow-up to study his destiny. He disappeared into his workplace, looking out Google and selecting by the newest medical journals.
He even frolicked studying to learn his personal MRI the identical method he discovered to play tennis: YouTube.
“Let’s see your toss,” Steve says, as yet one more of my serves crashes into the web. It’s getting colder and darker. “Strive beginning with each your arms straight,” he says. “Ajla Tomljanović does that.”
I doubt I can do something just like the “Break Level” star, however I attempt. I wish to get this serve quick. Persistence just isn’t one in all my virtues. Additionally, we have to get residence, and, based on the urologist, we have to get began on therapy.
My intuition is to belief medical doctors to know greater than I do. If they are saying biopsy, I ask when. Steve rejected the usual biopsy in favor of his personal plan, so he’ll want a referral, which is able to take time. Perhaps an excessive amount of time. The MRI indicated a big tumor that has unfold exterior of his prostate. But right here we’re out on a tennis court docket, worrying about whether or not a small fuzzy ball is touchdown in a painted field.
I watch Steve fish round within the basket of balls. “Take a look at my arm as I toss,” he says. I can’t, as a result of my eyes are swimming. The considered life with out this man is unimaginable. Prostate most cancers just isn’t a loss of life sentence nowadays, however it’s additionally not one thing you set off. As I watch him strike the trophy pose once more, I shake my head to drive away ideas of his athletic physique deteriorating earlier than my eyes. I do know that the unintended effects of hormone therapy, horrifyingly referred to “chemical castration,” might be everlasting.
It makes me wish to freeze this second. In the course of the name with the physician, Steve used the pronoun “we” loads — as in “We now have prostate most cancers” and “We would like an MRI-guided biopsy.” His eyes met mine greater than as soon as, reassuring me that we’re nonetheless a crew — similar to we’re on complicated video shoots for our enterprise, parenting a blended household and wrangling our 120-pound canine for a shower.
All these years later, the books on my nightstand are highlighted, annotated and dog-eared. Steve’s bookmarks largely level to YouTube channels. However we’re each consulting specialists in our personal methods.
He misreads my face and says, “Attempt to do not forget that tennis is play! Simply chill out and don’t assume.”
How can I clarify to this star athlete that for me, play was by no means about competitors or ability? It was all the time about creativeness. That’s my superpower. I understand that if I maintain utilizing it to think about the worst, it would make the troublesome time forward a lot more durable. As a substitute, because the courts round us go darkish one after the other, I take his hand and conjure up a picture of the 2 of us, a long time from now, standing on one other blue tennis court docket in some unique locale, lifting an enormous United States Tennis Assn. seniors blended doubles trophy — collectively.
The writer earned an MFA from Antioch College Los Angeles, and her work has been printed in Kelp Journal, Proud to Be, Inman Information and others. She’s writing a hybrid memoir together with her husband about their most cancers journey. Discover her at brennahumphreys.com and on Instagram: @brennahums.
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