In everyday life, we often unintentionally use what seem like harmless phrases to teach our children. Phrases such as:
- “Why are you so naughty? You always worry the adults!”
- “I’ve told you so many times, and you still don’t understand. You’re so slow!”
- “You’re such a crybaby, too weak!”
These words may come from disappointment or a desire for our children to improve, but what we often overlook is that our words as parents are more than just tools for communication; they serve as psychological suggestions. Especially the phrases above, which are negative and harmful. 
Such language not only fails to teach the child but could backfire, possibly making the child more rebellious and causing them to lose the confidence to improve. This article explores the impact of negative language and the psychological traps parents often fall into.
Negative Language: A Subtle Suggestion That Backfires
Many parents have experienced the following scenario: we tell our children, “Don’t step in the puddle!” and they immediately jump into a bigger one. Or we say, “Don’t touch that cup of water,” and the next thing we know, it’s spilled. Why does this happen despite our warnings?
Psychology explains this phenomenon with the “white bear effect.” The more we try to suppress a thought or action, the more likely it is to come to mind. Children, whose cognitive style is more concrete and visual, struggle with abstract negations like “don’t.” Words such as “step” or “touch” are more tangible and easier for them to focus on.
From the child’s perspective, the words are not a form of prohibition but a suggestion, and in some cases, these behaviors can even seem more appealing because of the attention they receive. Our “negative language” inadvertently directs the child’s focus to the wrong behavior, making it appear as if the child is intentionally misbehaving or being rebellious, but the reality is much more innocent.
The More We Complain, the More Children Stray
When children’s behavior doesn’t meet our expectations, it’s easy to fall into the trap of criticizing or complaining:
- “Why can’t you listen?”
- “Why are you always so careless?”
- “I’ve told you this so many times. Why can’t you remember?”
While we may say these things to correct their mistakes, they are actually negative responses. Psychological studies show that negative feedback does not help children improve. Instead, it can increase their feelings of frustration and anxiety, possibly even leading them to adopt a “broken-windows” mentality where they continue to make the same mistakes.
What happens when children grow up in a consistent environment of negativity? Over time, these negative words can act as a “curse” that erodes their self-confidence and motivation to improve.
Long-Term Negative Language: A Subtle Destruction of Confidence
Phrases like “you’re so dumb” or “you’re so naughty” might be said without malicious intent, but they can have lasting effects on a child. Many parents tend to label their children’s behaviors or personalities in ways that focus on flaws, neglecting their strengths and efforts. These negative labels, like “lazy” or “clumsy,” can stick, making the child feel as though they can never do anything right.
Psychological theories, such as the “self-efficacy theory,” suggest that a child’s motivation and self-confidence are highly influenced by their belief in their own abilities. If children are constantly told that they are doing things wrong, they may begin to doubt their abilities and even feel like they cannot improve.
This kind of constant criticism can lead to chronic anxiety and self-doubt, affecting a child’s emotional stability and making them more prone to impulsive and irrational behaviors. Over time, the child may lose focus on learning from mistakes and may even perform worse due to the pressure.
The “self-fulfilling prophecy” concept in psychology also explains how these negative labels work. When a child is labeled, whether positively or negatively, they subconsciously align their behavior with those expectations. So, when parents label their child as “lazy” or “stubborn,” the child may internalize these labels and behave accordingly, creating a vicious cycle.
This negative feedback acts like a curse, trapping children in a cycle of self-doubt and making it harder for them to break out of the “I’m not good enough” mentality.
What Can Parents Do?
It’s normal for parents to feel anxious, disappointed, or even angry when children misbehave or make mistakes. These emotions can sometimes trigger impulsive reactions, making it difficult to express care and understanding. The result is often negative language that leaves children feeling criticized and ignored, which can hinder the communication of love and support.
If you find yourself frequently using negative language with your children, consider the following two steps before responding impulsively:
1.Take a deep breath and calm down: Try to relax and let your emotions settle before reacting. Taking a moment to breathe can help you approach the situation more rationally. When you’re calmer, you can express your disappointment in a gentle manner, supporting the child constructively in understanding their mistake and encouraging self-reflection.
2.Describe the behavior, not the child: Focus on specific actions rather than labeling the child’s character. Use positive reinforcement to guide the child toward better behavior and provide clear alternatives to undesirable actions. This approach helps the child focus on improving their actions, not on their perceived shortcomings.
For example, instead of saying:
- “Why are you always so slow?” You could say: “Let’s try to speed up together so we can finish early and watch a cartoon!”
Or instead of saying:
- “How could you be so careless?” You could say: “You missed a question twice. Can you walk me through your thought process? Let’s take a second look.”
By focusing on the behavior, you help the child understand what they need to improve without making them feel like they are being personally attacked.
These changes won’t happen overnight, and it’s okay to take time to adjust. The important thing is to start using positive language that encourages children to focus on the behavior they need to improve. This way, children can build the confidence that they are capable of change, all while learning in a supportive, positive environment.
