DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been courting a person for 9 months, and we’ve began discussing transferring in collectively.
Whereas I’m excited concerning the prospect, I’ve issues about how our differing cleansing habits and family obligations would possibly have an effect on our relationship. I are typically extra organized and like a tidy house, whereas my accomplice is extra relaxed about cleanliness.
I subtly talked about final evening that many fashionable {couples} have separate bedrooms — with the choice of limitless sleepovers, which might make the connection nonetheless thrilling. He despises the thought, saying we’ll be extra like roommates than folks in a relationship.
With out offending him, how do I inform him I received’t be transferring in if he doesn’t agree with this?
— Dwelling Collectively Questions
DEAR LIVING TOGETHER QUESTIONS: You’ve gotten began this dialog in a convoluted method. Return and be direct.
Inform him that you just like the thought of residing with him on an emotional degree, however you’re involved logistically. Clarify that you’ve seen that he’s not tidy, and also you concern that his strategy to group and cleanliness shall be an issue for you.
Describe how you desire to your home to be saved and what you’d hope he would contribute. Get him to speak about his willingness to be neater and to work with you on sustaining your private home. However don’t simply take heed to what he says. Observe his surroundings for indicators of enchancment.
He’s displaying you who he’s. Can you reside with him as-is? If not, don’t transfer in.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is about to show 60, which is a large milestone, and my dad doesn’t appear to be planning something particular for her.
She’s all the time been the one who goes above and past for everybody else within the household, so my siblings and I assumed it could be good for her to have a calming spa day. She completely loves going to the spa, and we figured it could be a considerate reward from my dad, one thing that exhibits how a lot he appreciates her.
We instructed this concept to him a couple of weeks in the past, and he initially agreed it was an excellent plan. The difficulty now’s that as an alternative of taking the lead and arranging the whole lot, my dad has began asking us to step in and assist set up the entire thing. He’s even asking if we are able to chip in financially to cowl the price of the spa bundle.
This was alleged to be his reward to his spouse, and we actually needed him to take the time. It seems like he’s passing the accountability on to us, which simply doesn’t appear proper for such a major birthday.
I’m undecided what to do at this level. Ought to we go forward and assist him, or is it honest to push again and let him deal with this on his personal?
— Huge Birthday
DEAR BIG BIRTHDAY: Cease dreaming and pretending that your father goes to get up and change into a giant celebration planner. Your mom is aware of who he’s. As an alternative, take a special strategy.
Plan the birthday collectively along with your father. Make it a present from the household, quite than being invisible behind the scenes along with your siblings. Determine the funds, how a lot every of you possibly can contribute and what duties every of you’ll have. Current the plan to your father and siblings, after which make it occur.
Your mom is not going to be disillusioned that the household labored collectively, nor do you have to.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founding father of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to assist folks entry and activate their desires. You possibly can ship inquiries to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas Metropolis, MO 64106.
