Ever because the arrival of her daughter six years in the past, the valuable little being has develop into the middle of Park Eun-jeong’s world. It additionally marked the start of a brand new dynamic in her marriage: a sexless, extra companionate relationship along with her husband.
“(After the newborn was born,) we progressively drifted right into a sexless relationship. I used to be drained from taking good care of the newborn and doing housekeeping. My husband additionally seemed exhausted when he got here house. He not initiates it both,” Park, 43, who lives in Seoul, stated.
Her daughter is now 6, however the couple sticks to the sleeping association established at her arrival: The daughter shares a bed room with mother, whereas dad sleeps in a separate room to keep away from disrupting their sleep as a result of he usually comes house late, stays up late and will get up early.
Whereas Park shouldn’t be solely happy with the state of affairs, she doesn’t understand a major drawback with it, both. The dearth of sexual intimacy between her and her husband isn’t sufficient to justify breaking apart the household, which might have a life-changing influence on their baby.
“How may I separate her from her father simply because sparks between us have light and we not have intercourse?” she stated.
The Korea Herald wasn’t in a position to interview Park’s husband, but when he’s on the identical web page along with her, they may very well be categorized as a “sexless couple,” as outlined by Japanese psychiatrist Teruo Abe. First launched by him in 1991, the time period refers to “married {couples} who, with none particular circumstances, haven’t any sexual exercise for one month or extra by mutual settlement.”
Knowledge on sexless married {couples} is uncommon, particularly in Korea. However it’s protected to say that Park’s sexless marriage shouldn’t be unusual in Korea.
A 2016 survey of 1,090 Korean nationals launched by Korea’s solely intercourse clinic, the S Clinic in Seoul run by Dr. Kang Dong-woo, confirmed that 35.1 % of married {couples} right here had been sexless. Based on this research, Korea had the second-highest charge of sexless marriages among the many nations surveyed, following Japan at 44.6 %, whereas the worldwide common stood at 20 %.
Perceptions of marriage
The specialists contacted by The Korea Herald typically agreed with Kang’s 2016 discovering that the prevalence of sexless marriages is larger right here in comparison with in different societies.
In her interpretation, Lim Choon-hee, professor within the Division of Baby and Household Research at Kunsan Nationwide College, factors to the variations in how folks understand the marital union throughout cultures.
“Within the West (at the moment), marriage (often) means the union between two people, unbiased of their unique households. In such societies, the couple’s sexual relationship and emotional connection are key to the steadiness and satisfaction of the wedding,” Lim writes in her article, “A Examine on the Sexless Expertise of Married Ladies of their 30s and 40s,” co-authored with Shin Min-jeong in 2021.
Nonetheless, “the which means of marriage in up to date South Korea, is extra of a union between households somewhat than of people, inserting better worth on materialistic values somewhat than love or affection,” Lim contrasted.
Based on her, this example explains why the affect of 1’s unique household stays sturdy even after beginning a brand new household, and the tendency of {couples} to prioritize their youngsters, or the household they created for them, over their very own happiness of their relationship with one another.
Han Seong-yeul, an emeritus professor of psychology at Korea College, put it this fashion: “In Western nations, the couple is the middle of the wedding. The tradition continuously confirms that the 2 companions are sexually attracted to every by confessing their love and publicly displaying their love, similar to by kissing in public.” The couple’s bed room is “solely” for them, and even infants usually sleep individually, he famous.
However for the final a number of hundred years in Korea, the household construction has been centered patriarchally across the father and sons, who’re male and help the household financially, in keeping with Han.
In the course of the Joseon period (1392-1910), folks married out of the socioeconomic necessity of their households. Women and men had been separated within the house in a microcosm of Neo-Confucian society writ massive. It was customary for husbands and wives to reside in several areas within the house, with the husband within the “sarangbang” and the spouse within the “anbang.” They might come collectively to sleep solely on auspicious days particularly chosen for the aim of conceiving a son, in keeping with Han.
“For Korean married {couples}, the first objective of intercourse was to supply offspring,” he argued. Dad and mom weren’t supposed to point out love or sexual need in any respect in entrance of their youngsters.
Additionally, Korean society has been lenient concerning males fulfilling their sexual wishes exterior the house. He pointed to courtesans throughout the Goryeo and Joseon dynasties, often known as “gisaeng,” who had been lower-class ladies offering creative leisure and sexual providers to upper-class males.
Low libido?
Listening to these explanations, one could be tempted to fall right into a stereotype about Koreans collectively missing libido.
S Clinic’s Kang, one of many nation’s few specialists within the area of sexual drugs, says that isn’t the case.
“Koreans should not detached to intercourse,” stated Kang, who’s a psychiatrist with coaching in urology from the Boston Medical Heart’s Heart for Sexual Well being. He additionally heads the Korean Institute for Sexual and Couple’s Well being, modeled after the Kinsey Institute, the American scientific analysis heart famend for its groundbreaking research on intercourse, gender and replica.
He cited surveys together with one carried out with sufferers at his personal clinic, the place 91.4 % of respondents stated intercourse is essential to their lives and relationships.
If intercourse is certainly so vital to Koreans, then why did Kang’s survey present that sexless marriages are statistically extra prevalent right here?
Based on Kang’s view, “Having intercourse along with your associate requires loads of vitality, whereas once you pay for intercourse, no vitality is required, and you may simply get the specified stimulation.”
For males, the accessibility of the intercourse business here’s a contributing issue, he added, claiming that Korea is without doubt one of the best nations wherein to purchase intercourse, with brothels working illicitly. He didn’t present proof to help his claims. Each acts of shopping for and promoting intercourse are unlawful in Korea.
“True sexual intimacy entails emotional communion and connection, however many Koreans lack that,” in keeping with Kang, “As an alternative, intercourse is usually seen merely as an act of penetration, ejaculation and indulgence.”
Han stated it’s straightforward for males to fulfill their sexual wishes by means of the intercourse business in Korea, and the grownup leisure business continues to be centered round males.
He additionally talked about that some Korean males don’t view prostitution as infidelity.
Based on his 2016 survey of his sufferers, 40.5 % of males stated prostitution doesn’t depend as an affair, whereas about 15 % of girls shared that view. The identical survey discovered that fifty.8 % of the Korean males surveyed admitted to having engaged in an extramarital affair, in comparison with 9.3 % of Korean ladies who reported the identical.
He didn’t focus on the views of girls in Korea.
Too drained to have intercourse?
A significant component driving married Koreans sexless is that many are just too exhausted to have intercourse, says Bae Jeong-weon, head of the Joyful Intercourse Tradition Heart in Seoul, which offers sex-related counseling and training, and former chair of the Korean Affiliation for Sexual Well being.
“Koreans lead such busy lives, devoting most of their vitality to their public roles. Lengthy working hours, extremely aggressive workplaces and frequent firm dinners go away folks totally drained,” she stated. “By the point they get house, they’re too drained to spend money on private relationships.”
As a result of folks usually do not assume a lot in regards to the significance of private relationships, they usually do not understand the enjoyment these relationships can carry, she stated.
“After expending all their vitality at work, folks collapse into mattress and switch to their smartphones. They snort at content material, getting a small dopamine enhance from that,” she stated.
Seoul resident Kim Jung-min, 46, couldn’t agree extra. He stated he can’t keep in mind the final time he had intercourse together with his spouse.
“I go to sleep taking part in video games on my cellphone or studying webtoons whereas my spouse spends her time on Instagram or on-line boards for mothers,” he stated.
They sleep in the identical mattress, however they flip their backs to one another. This place shouldn’t be intentional, nor does it mirror any stress of their relationship; it has merely developed as a method to keep away from disturbing one another with the sunshine from their units, in keeping with Kim.
“Now and again, I believe we should always attempt to reconnect sexually. However after I consider early morning conferences and ongoing initiatives, I simply really feel too drained,” he stated.
No intercourse — does it matter?
Yang So-young, a divorce lawyer with 24 years of expertise, stated that 80-90 % of her purchasers looking for a divorce are in sexless marriages. The remaining 10 % of circumstances contain {couples} the place one associate has a considerably larger stage of sexual need than the opposite, creating stress.
However “in my 24 years, I’ve by no means had a shopper explicitly cite a scarcity of intercourse as the primary cause for divorce. It could be a hidden trigger, however nobody admits it, maybe as a result of acknowledging it would make them appear unsophisticated or as if they’re appearing on base instincts,” Yang stated.
“Korean {couples} hardly ever speak about intercourse overtly,” she stated. “They focus on funds, child-rearing and points with in-laws, however not intercourse. Even when issues (associated to intercourse) come up, they don’t try to deal with them.”
Many specialists agree {that a} wholesome relationship to and communication about intercourse can improve intimacy and assist resolve different marital points. Nonetheless, professor Lim suggested towards making sweeping claims based mostly on anyone married couple’s intercourse life, or lack of it.
Nowadays within the Korean media, sexlessness in married {couples} is usually portrayed as an indication of brewing battle or an indicator of an unstable marriage.
Lim thinks not having intercourse may very well be a technique for some {couples} to reside peacefully collectively. “In such circumstances, sexless married {couples} might be able to preserve a peaceable relationship with out severe discord,” she stated.